Self Image
I’m not sure why but this has come up a couple of times in the last few days. I picture myself one way but I’m sure that the reality is another; I’m just not sure which way the other goes. I know physically I’m a 6’3” former Marine… a few more pounds of fat than I should have. But I can’t comprehend it… how do I stack up to other people? How do others see me? Not just physically but also socially. I’m trying to figure out where I stand and where that fits in with the rest of society. I just picture myself as being small and unable to step up.
I guess what anyone else would say is to ‘grow some balls’ and step up… but for some reason that just doesn’t seem right. I seem to prefer to hang in the back and help out where I can… however the people I seem to hang with don’t need help. It is like I’m drawn to independent and confident people. Perhaps that is how I see myself and so I seem to want to be drawn to it… I have no idea. So I’m busy trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be and what changes need to be made to become who I want to be.
I know this is a messed up post however I’m trying to identify myself… part of me think I need to get into a fight to learn who I am… the other part of me realizes that I don’t need and arrest record… especially since I’m damn close to applying to the FBI. Perhaps I just need to get my ass kicked. There are times I want to get hit… nailed square in the chest or across the jaw… just to see what happens… how do I stand up to it… do I go down or can I take it and retaliate… if presented an emergency how will I handle it… will I freak or will I get down to business and handle it… properly? Perhaps this is why I wish the Marine Corps called me back… so I could go off and perhaps have the chance to prove myself… to myself… once I know how I see myself I won’t care what others see… I just need to know me… to have confidence in my ability… In the end I don’t care what others think… I just need to know Me… what I can do and what I can handle… and right now I have no idea… I need a physical challenge in front of me... I’ve been told ‘be careful what you wish for.’ So I’m hesitant to say this… but I think I need a fight… I need to discover me… this sadly sounds like the movie ‘Fight Club’… but need to know me… how much of a beating can I take… how much of a beating can I deliver…
Physically, Mentally and Socially… what am I capable of?








